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Literature Text
7/31/07
It was brought up recently in a place where such conversations are safe, that in a Christian home we grew up expected to be happy. We learned to stuff our other feelings, because they were inappropriate.
I remember my father telling me to smile or not to look so moody. I spent a lot of time in other worlds, I didn't mean to look anything. It hurt when he said that. Like he had to be in control of everything about me all the time. And it's not like he ever asked if there was something wrong. Because nothing was ever wrong. (Unless I asserted some sort of independent thought.)
How was it any of his business? People cannot always smile. And they certainly cannot look like whatever someone else feels they need the person to look like at that moment. It is purely absurd to think otherwise. And abusive. If I gave any negative reaction to his order, I was in for another lecture, or at least unkind words.
Parents, do not do this to your children. Please.
Meanwhile, I continue to learn who I am without the restrictions I've had for so long. At almost thirty, perhaps others would think I am starting too late. I don't care. I feel like I have lived forever already, and I may have many more years to live still. I am starting over now, life is new, and I can be myself and see what the future holds.
It was brought up recently in a place where such conversations are safe, that in a Christian home we grew up expected to be happy. We learned to stuff our other feelings, because they were inappropriate.
I remember my father telling me to smile or not to look so moody. I spent a lot of time in other worlds, I didn't mean to look anything. It hurt when he said that. Like he had to be in control of everything about me all the time. And it's not like he ever asked if there was something wrong. Because nothing was ever wrong. (Unless I asserted some sort of independent thought.)
How was it any of his business? People cannot always smile. And they certainly cannot look like whatever someone else feels they need the person to look like at that moment. It is purely absurd to think otherwise. And abusive. If I gave any negative reaction to his order, I was in for another lecture, or at least unkind words.
Parents, do not do this to your children. Please.
Meanwhile, I continue to learn who I am without the restrictions I've had for so long. At almost thirty, perhaps others would think I am starting too late. I don't care. I feel like I have lived forever already, and I may have many more years to live still. I am starting over now, life is new, and I can be myself and see what the future holds.
This originally ended at the line that petitions parents not to make the same mistakes mine did... but I thought it needed a more positive ending. It was all written at the same time though. Those who don't know me should note that I have Asperger's Syndrome that went undiagnosed for about 25 years.
Weapons of choice: real life, random notebook of d00m, WordPad, LiveJournal's spellchecker
Weapons of choice: real life, random notebook of d00m, WordPad, LiveJournal's spellchecker
© 2007 - 2024 tirsden
Comments20
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23 years here. 
I was always yelled at for just about everything, especially not making eye contact with my grandfather when he was talking to me or lecturing me. 
Even my teachers were abusive.
I was always yelled at for just about everything, especially not making eye contact with my grandfather when he was talking to me or lecturing me. Even my teachers were abusive.